[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
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me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.