[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
You Might Also Like
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war