What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
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Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Who knew!
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.