A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.