What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
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So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Ugh
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!