Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
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Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.