As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
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If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]