Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
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I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
*jazz hands*
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.