I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
You Might Also Like
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings