Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
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My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.