If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
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And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead