Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
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I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
The Compass
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
at ease…shoulder.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really