Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
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*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I’d … I’d rather not.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container