me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
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BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*