Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
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Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*