My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
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Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
“Sheer Arrogance”
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad