You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
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I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke