A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
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Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”