We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
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Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
LOL!
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?