(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
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when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
asked my bf how work was today
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Thrilling chase underway
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.