My neck, my back, my…
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My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Message from the dog groomers
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.