The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
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i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.