Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
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Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
My flabber has been gasted.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES