Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
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I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.