Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
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My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore