Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
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[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
i wish we could shoplift online
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
podcasts
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.