Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
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the #horror is real!
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
(Jupiter –
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.