You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
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Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
A family that plays together cheats.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Realize this: