Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
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ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.