20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300