About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
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Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”