Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
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date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼