Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
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Legend 🤣🤣
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge