The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
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Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u