Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
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Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂