Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
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I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.