I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
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i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Terribly Tuesday.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Current mood: Potato
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.