[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
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I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.