Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
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I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
there has never been a better use of this meme
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*