the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
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Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him