DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
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I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”