her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
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I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
did it work
FRED: right
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible