NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
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I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I’m ready for Halloween this year
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
incredible text to wake up to
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?