Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
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The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[montage of me giving-up]
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.