“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
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there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.