i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
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what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.