The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
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You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I’M CRYINGGG
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait