Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
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Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Woke up against my better judgment again
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were