me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
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Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Only a mother’s love …
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.