My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
You Might Also Like
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.